“Large takeaway three-quarter decaf extra hot almond milk with two equals, thanks”
We’ve all done that quiz, “what does your coffee order say about you?”
Flat white drinkers are dependable, cappuccino lovers like to think they’re sophisticated, while mocha drinkers, well, you don’t want to know what they said about mocha drinkers.
But what if you’re a “large takeaway three-quarter decaf extra hot soy latte with two equals” kinda gal? or a “small almond milk chai latte with extra cinnamon on top, I’ll have it here, but can I have it in a takeaway cup please?”
We all like to be kept well caffeinated, but for some it’s a little more complicated than others.
Being a creature of habit, we like what we like, just the way we like it.
We are not demanding snobs, we are not obnoxious, nor entitled, we just know a good thing when we sip it.
And if you’re going to charge us $ 4 for the pleasure, it’s my way or the milky way, barista.
Here are ten things only those with a complicated coffee order will understand.
#1 When it’s wrong
Not again. There’s a reason I ordered it the way I did. You are damaging the integrity of my drink.
#2 When it’s just right
Goldilocks knew what was good for her and we bet she would have been a force to be reckoned with in the coffee ordering game. Not too hot, not too cold, jusssst right.
#3 Passive aggressive stares when you make an order
Just because my coffee order has more instructions than an IKEA flat pack does not make me an a**hole. I am the customer and the customer is always right. Right?
#4 Going out of town and leaving your beloved barista behind
Better get one for the road because you’re about to hit a coffee drought.
#5 Settling for a tea because you can tell by the look on the barista’s face that they’re not going to get it right
You already know your order is not going to go down well with middle-aged Martha at Bean Pot.
#6 The bond between you and your barista who knows how give your caffeine to you right
Soulmates. Don’t ever leave me.
#7 The eye rolls when they call out your order
‘Oh why didn’t you just ask for my name and write it on the cup like Starbucks?!’ I’m not in the mood to be coffee-shamed.
#8 Trying to order your coffee in a quiet voice so the suit behind you doesn’t hear
Beat it, business man. We’re all here for the same reason. Caffeine.
#9 Repeating your order
#10 Barista snobbery
Do I look like a regular cap to you? ‘I said a ‘small weak soy mocha, with half a sugar, not too hot, and no chocolate on top’. Are we forgetting who’s paying who here?
While you may think your high-maintenance order is about as complicated as it gets, just be happy that you’ll never be this guy.
A barista at the original Starbucks in Seattle was asked on reddit “What’s the longest, most complicated order you’ve ever received?”
“Shoot, in one drink?
“Well, the dumbest was a trenta (barf) iced coffee with 4 add shots 16 count ’em 16 pumps of white mocha (6 in a venti usually) 6 pumps of vanilla, and then she bitched that we don’t have trenta dome lids because she wants whipped cream.
“So we put whip in it anyway with a flat lid. But she freaks out that I have to charge her for all of the modifiers when it’s just a trenta coffee refill that would be $ .55 and tells me shes trying to lose weight. I’m thinking “BITCH YOU ON THE WRONG TRAIN”, but I had to deal with her respectfully.”
Or this guy:
“I once poured a heart or something on top of a ladies drink. When her boyfriend saw it he came up to me and ask for “no design”. I told him it’s just the way you pour the milk and he was very adamant. “No design!” His girlfriend said he was ‘too manly for designs’. Worst order ever!”
September 16, 201612:50pm